Saturday, November 28, 2009

Poem about a campfire?

Witch's fingers, arthritic and cold



Skin no longer peeling of leprosy



Evolving into papyrusy



He arranges them in a bon swirl



Haystacks nearby, and waiting for Shabbos



Gathering fallen fronds and dried flowers



Getting a box of matches from his pocket



Flannel warm and his head of human hair



Sticks don't tremble, sleeping, the warmth grows



Roasting vegan hotdogs for relish, mustard, and onions



Poem about a campfire?

Loved "papyrusy"!



And overall, I liked your language and cadence in this one.



What seems to be lacking here is a good ending. I was waiting for a surprise (other than a vegan hotdog), or a solid punch.



You need to work on punctuation. You use capitalizations and commas, but nothing else. Curious...



Another good start!

No comments:

Post a Comment

 
adware remover